Haunted Dreams
by Hallon
Summary: She was starting to feel a little bit guilty. Not very much, of course, but just enough to leave a bad taste in her mouth.


_**Summary:** She was starting to feel a little bit guilty. Not very much, of course, but just enough to leave a bad taste in her mouth._

 _ **A/N:** Rory's thoughts after the confrontation with Jess in _Haunted Leg _._

 _ **Disclaimer:** Gilmore Girls is not mine. Not now, not ever._

* * *

 **Haunted Dreams**

She could still hear Jess' words ringing in her ears when she went to bed that night. And now that her anger had subsided, she was starting to feel a little bit guilty. Not very much, of course, but just enough to leave a bad taste in her mouth. It wasn't a very good feeling. At all. And she desperately needed to find a way to make it go away.

She turned to her side under the covers and tried distracting herself by thinking about another sore point from the night: her dad. Christopher showing up at Friday night dinner had been a chock, and she was so very mad at him. Furious really. And still…

She just couldn't get those words out of her mind. Jess was right, of course. She had disappeared. And she hadn't contacted him at all for the entire summer. And she felt terrible about it. She really did. And she had ever since she sat down that first time during summer to write to him and hadn't come any further than the greeting. And every other time after that she had tried.

The truth was that she didn't know what to say. She felt so confused after that kiss that she just bolted, and then she fled all the way to Washington. And maybe, just maybe, she had unconsciously hoped that if she just ignored the problem long enough, then it would sort itself out.

And in a way, she had to admit, it had. Jess had a girlfriend now. And she was beautiful, and blonde, and every time they kissed…

She groaned, wishing her life could just go back to the way it used to be, when the only thing she had to juggle was how to fit everyone into her busy schedule, and the only boy in her life was her perfect boyfriend. When did it all become so complicated? When did she become stuck between two guys like some character in a bad teenage movie?

And how was it that every time she did a pro- con list, it always ended up with Dean on top, and yet, the boy she saw in her dreams had jelled up hair and a smirk that made her heart melt.

But she had made her decision. She had chosen Dean, and she felt good about that. She did. It really was the most sensible and logical choice. Jess had already left once, after all. What's to say he wouldn't do it again? And her mom didn't like him. Not without reason either, though Rory honestly couldn't understand why she was holding on to the grudge so hard. But still…her mother's opinion mattered.

And Dean had always been there when she needed him. And quite often when she didn't as well. Ok, so maybe that wasn't exactly something she liked about her boyfriend, but at least she never had to wonder where he was, or what he was doing. She always knew.

And yeah, maybe it was getting a bit frustrating that she couldn't do anything without him, without being questioned about it. And that he discussed her friends with her mom. And that he called her eight times a day when he knew she was busy. But those were just minor details, they didn't make up their whole relationship. Right?

So what if she was getting frustrated with him at increasing intervals. And so what if she felt like crying whenever she saw Jess kissing Shane…

Whoah!

Rory abruptly sat up in her bed. Where had that come from? She didn't care if Jess had a girlfriend. He could do whatever he wanted. And she definitely didn't want it to be her kissing him. Definitely, most certainly, not.

Ok, now that that was cleared up, she should start feeling better about all of it. She loved Dean, she definitely didn't want to be kissing Jess, and the only reason she felt guilty about the one time she did was because she had cheated on Dean. It wasn't because it had been an amazing kiss. Absolutely not. And it was definitely not because she still dreamed about it almost every night.

Then she groaned again, flinging herself back on the bed in frustration, because she couldn't deny that she did dream about it. And she couldn't deny that it had been a far better kiss than any she'd had with Dean in quite a while. And that brought her back to the guilt.

Shouldn't she enjoy her boyfriend's kisses more than she did? Shouldn't she want to see him? Shouldn't she feel something other than annoyance when he, again, asked her to go see one of his games? Or when he wanted to watch _Lord of the Rings_ for the hundredth time?

The only answer to either of those questions was, of course. Of course she should appreciate what she had, what she had chosen, what everyone thought was the perfect guy.

But Jess had come back. He'd come back, and even though he hadn't said as much, she knew it was for her. He'd come back for her, and she'd kissed him, only to vanish into thin air.

He'd asked if she'd expected him to wait, and she had to admit that, yes, she had. God, was she really that conceited? To expect him to wait around for…what? A girl with a boyfriend? Who had repeatedly denied there was anything more than a vague kind of friendship between them. Yeah, 'cause that was fair.

She had denied that there was anything more than friendship between her and Jess when her mom asked her about it, more than once, and she had felt confident in doing it. She had a boyfriend, so there shouldn't be anything other than friendship with any other guy. That's just how it was. So, whatever it was that existed between her and Jess couldn't be anything else. Of course not.

But her repeating the words didn't make them any truer. She did like Jess, as more than a friend. And if that kiss was anything to go by, then he liked her too. That thought instantly brought out a smile and a slight blush.

Rory closed her eyes on the memory and groaned again, at the mess everything had become, just because she couldn't admit to herself that she liked a boy. And she finally admitted to herself that part of the reason she was holding on to Dean so stubbornly was because she was just that: Stubborn. Which was a terrible reason, really.

But it was too late now anyway. Whatever way she turned it around, Jess had a girlfriend now. And she had Dean.

And it was all wrong.

She just didn't know what to do to make it right.

She lay there feeling miserable for a few more minutes and then took a deep breath, sniffling a little, before getting out of bed and made her way up the stairs. When she crawled in beside her mom she felt like a little girl again, seeking shelter, and in a way that was exactly what she was.

"Rory?" Lorelai said gently, apparently awake as well, opening her arms, enveloping her in a warm embrace.

"Mom," Rory sniffled, "I think I made a huge mistake."


End file.
